Let's lament

We are sad because

a) We can't have what we desire
b) We are scared that we'll loose what we have

If only, if only we realize that we possess nothing, not even this body. What would it be like?

We need to grow. We need to expand our perspectives. I need to evolve.

Perceptions

We will refer to Truth, i.e. something which is independent of everything and is self-certified reality, as Reality.

Point of view:

Our perceptions are the reality in which we exist. They may or may not be Reality


Supposition:

It is possible that what a person perceives (personal reality) is a part of Reality, but it is impossible for some other person to perceive it in the same way.
 

Statement:

It means that whether one's reality is the Reality cannot be completely judged/tested by others. So, one cannot be sure of what he believes actually is.

Hence, one must try to test one's world at different circumstances, and accordingly 'evolve' into the Reality.



Role of majority:

Can reality of majority (or all) be called as Reality? Again, it may, it may not.






It's a strange world with strange questions and possible answers. We just stop questioning, and start accepting others' realities as Reality. Let's question, and let's grow.



By the way, what is your reality?

Face to face with Illusion

I'd a strange feeling. Not a prison, but I couldn't move. The inability, the dependency which was unprecedented in it's vigor and perceptibility. It, surely, didn't feel right.

Allow me to walk on love
If not drinking, just showering my blood
To wash the dark stains
Of fears, confusions and unlovely world


A sudden pain strikes. It's not just a desire to hide, to run away, but a larger quest to make an attempt to leave the delicate being with minimum bruises. I've my limitation, I've my capacity. My imagination tortures my feelings and forbids me to put forward a hand which can go through any intensity of fire. O Dear! do not understand it to be the lack of desire. It's the wild game, perhaps. There's nothing which lies beyond your sight, I am standing all naked. I'm a little tired now, and need some rest. You can take all which is mine but peace of mind. I need it.


This is strange. Really. I am not lying. It's really strange. Now it's due to self-inflicted suffering, or the faith in the insensitivity of the volatile other self, or just the cold which can be quite depressing.

But, I hope...

Multiple Personality Realizations

There is a body. There is a part of consciousness.There is one more with another body. Close they are, as a result of Divine games either with faith in evolution or dark desires, as plans to be together for a larger part of life bloom.

Many selves dwell in me
And cook looks of different themes
I grow with many as such
Ah! Exclusivity's for waste
Accept the truth, it's tough I know
And not with just widened eyes, but a deeper breath

Everyone has fears, and, thus, everyone shall be given a pot to boil them off. We choose different ingredients, in the form of people, experiences and realizations, in order to make the living in cooking more flavored. Let's accept it, and allow them to enjoy their meal of life.

Monogamy....polygamy....open relationships....open marriages....what's the use of 'branding'?

I opened my eyes

Updated: 23rd Jan'09
Impossible! It's sad!


Updated: 19th Jan '09
Once again. One more time. A better promise, a better state of existence.

Keep promises with oneself -> and, thus, keep promises to others.


Updated: 1st 2009



A lot of issues to be resolved


An emotion has its place, but still inferior to many.

Updated: 16th Nov 2014

I've no idea what is it all about.  If it's about inner life - easiest to assume - I am in a much more stable state. The search is on. The character is still weak as there is still knowing-doing gap.







and the life goes on....

We and our relationships

Change is the word common to us all. We change, our perception changes and, thus, changes the network of our relationships.While shrouded in the confusions are those who fail to register changes in their soulmates, the light realized by the travelers darkens the chance of realization of the incapability of those around them. But then, this has been the case since times immemorial, and shall exist for long time to come.

Can we flow in our relationships too? Can mere waves of the ocean of the heart take the ship of love to the desired destination of realizations? 'Working out' a relationship then seems to be not only artificial, but a dangerous perception towards life similar to an attempt to an answer to a wrong question.

All we can say is 'live'. Right or wrong, there'll be a path sooner or later. Let's pray, let's dance, let's wait and, thus, let's move.


But, it's a difficult condition when you're not the one who changed. It is, indeed.


A whore of no money
Is this what I tend to become?
It's a path of love and not of business
Let's walk till we reach our home

Eternity is ....

Let's have sex. Let's have babies.

I fucking want to shout.

Listen to this what I just realized..

I want to move my body with this, let me just do it now...

I don't think I feel that I'll die....

I am feeling lonely....no one to witness my life

I want to do something for the world (so that the world may remember you)


Eternity. A common element to all of the above is our quest to be eternal either explicitly or implicity in a step-wise manner (procreation). We want to live.

We want our genes to survive when we vanish. This is either because Mother Nature wants us to or because subconsciously we know that this is the easiest way to continue our existence. Let's have babies.

We want to express. We want our life to be 'registered' somewhere. We wish to try our best to throw out to the exterior world what we 'detect' in our lives. On the similar tracks, we wish to have someone with whom we can share and make her/him the witness of our continuously changing form of existence.

Why we wish to be eternal? Maybe because we are eternal. I, feel, we are. But again, are all these ways of trying to be eternal the only ways, in fact are they? Can these be fragments of just a reflection of a larger truth? Have we forgotten our identity?

Does the spirit drives the 'desire to live' for the survival of the body or the in-built survival instinct transforms our dream into a 'true' thought of eternity?

Or is it that we'll never know the answer.

Do I make sense? :) . It doesn't matter.

O Lord, I know you exist. Your form is unknown and so does your relationship with me. Guide me and all.

Right to love

I've put her in trouble which doesn't just take her through psychological and philosophical conflicts, but pushes her into a much more physical torture. I, now, carry a burden of my ignorance which has affected the life of my fellow being, someone from whom I've learnt to care. Sometimes, life can be so unforgiving. I guess, this cruelty is actually the other part of reality or an indication which many religion understand as an opportunity to kiss the truth.

It was an innocent attempt to reveal my fears and love, blending it with the quest for eternity. She tried to nurture it, she tried to absorb it but then the imaginary world of mine ate away completely not only her relationships but also her smooth future. A large amount of poison which originally had generated by my consciousness was served in a merciless bowl to her. She is still drinking it assuming it to be hers. Who will forgive me, who will absolve me of this undesirable destruction I've caused in the life of this dear being. I've loved her. Do I've the right to love?

Only after many months I've realized to some extent her situation. Amidst the unknown games of circumstances, the sweetheart is being crushed every now and then under the illusion of her own 'choice'. The nature has made me an instrument and she'd been the sad notes out of it. Ah! How the chords have loved her. What a net it is, where I want to love, where I can love but she can't be loved. It's such a beautifully planned maze carved, taking positively, just to offer realizations to both of us. Alas, less smiles and more of tears.

Online, and the distance between the two bodies; and the result of it; I've hated it. Where for the whole world this dilemna of mine is unimportant and useless, I tend to mark it with the most important fissures of development.

The realization-

None can understand my reality. None can live the life which is mine
Waste it is if I beg for help. Worthless it is if I expect others' breath
It's a path for all where we must walk alone
Let's love and know what love is
For you, for me

Bless us with buddhi. Mercy. It's turbulence here and a part or, maybe, the larger pot is with her.

When humans are not lovely

A bad day. Starting with a struggling competition, sailing through an anti-human emotional cum psychotic thinking and finally arriving at a stage of 'doubts' and questions, this day has largely painted me in one color - darkness. Neither Gita says nor my sweet mother what I intend to feel or believe amidst my violent and escaping tendencies.

It is difficult for me to portray myself as one generally accepted social animal. Woods seemed to call me. People and there 'peopleness' seem to repel me. A strong desire to put an end to this struggle; the competition which I do not intend to participate in: the struggle of survival. It seems like a fruitless activity, which in turn is decided by me; others; my past and my future, yielding some of the most undesirable state of mind as if spoiling my innocence or desire to walk on the path of LOVE.

War, as understood by great men, seems to be an integral part of our life. Struggle against another: a bitter truth that somebody else's blood, from the body or emotions or desires, is an indispensible item for one's evolution.

What then is Love? What then is gratitude? What then is mercy?

Logical systems, rules and regulations prove themselves to be more desirable (ironically people fight against these trying to nuture chaotic reflections) in this subjective world. The need for a 'guru', internal, physical or philosophical, is like an urgency of soul to find some solution to this violence of restlessness.

The bigger problem (or, perhaps, the life jacket to stay sane) is accepting and stacking the thousand pearls from the hundreds of seas of wisdom in an 'unrealised' and naive thought-factory. Smile & frustation; love & repulsion;and energy & oblivion is the direct manisfestation of the trouble I face in proudly claiming myself to be the willing keeper of the 'knowledge of Truth'. The only thought saving me is I guess this is just a part of the game.

I'll be fine tomorrow morning or perhaps some moments from now. But what about the thoughts and moments I just sacrificed worshipping dark. Or there is just

A ray...

In a mail to lovely Neha, the living entity who (opened me for the first time)continues to open me up like a flower; a strange inspiration, I wrote the following (while I was writing, the thoughts were flowing as if everything is being told)

My worldview:

Life is meaningful.

One should strive to find meaning for oneself- in & out.

Love is the highest virtue.

Everyone has a right to live and evolve at one's own way and one's own pace (And duty to let others do the same, if not possible, then at least try to).

Inner voice is the divine voice. One may even discover inner voice through external sources (people,events, objects).

Everyone has a right and duty to live one's life fully and at the same time heeding attention to the inner calls(which is the most important as nothing else is real).

One should strive for evolving oneself in whatever chosen spheres (doors). A conscious effort must be made to evolve both in thoughts and actions.

Perfection is a divine quality.

Light (positivity and divinity) must be taken in, and the darkness and the negativity must be left behind.

Past should be taken only as a teacher and not a companion overriding present.

Everything in this world is divine. There's nothing which is absolute dirt worthy of disgrace. If it all one come across something worth hate, love should be brought in to overcome suffering.

Last but not least, there must be an ever-increasing expression (inside: through thoughts & outside: through actions) of gratitude for the unknown and the known simultaneously - the Supreme Reason for which everything exists. Once this idea is absorbed in one's own way (dimension), everything else will just follow.

Friendship Day or a chained state

Unfortunately, and also strangely, this blog always gets my melancholy vomits.

Here I am. Armed with a zest to celebrate the finest breaths of my existence- when I am feeling LOVE, I am in a desperate search to take out myself. My friends, my lovely ones for whom I care (have cared) are those who deserve my grateful expressions. The celebration, now, shall begin as now I've got my first salary. But where to find souls? Where are those who shall strengthen my faith, when I am among the others, in mankind.

I direct a lonely dream. Dressed in a topless black attire; trying to harmonize myself into the creation on a hill top, I see myself in the most pure state of existence. But the time which has the colour of the present seems to cry as every moment touches the next making way for either a tear or a certain stretch of muscles on face. In the fight of lonliness and celebration among the herd, I tend to live in a placid tomb.

With the fresh rays of the new sun..........

I am doomed

I had written the 'post' of my life. It didn't publish and I lost all of it. I cannot reproduce it.

I am lonely

In a strange arrangement of various values & entities, the first days of my first job proves to be a little stinky and useless, professionally as well as individually, but a bit more than a grave. All the pillars which justify living seems to rebuke at each & every bit of my breath.

The music, aah! I forgot my pen drive, is an alien word. The soul- refreshing treats of Bhajans are beyond my reach. And, thus is the fate of my enquiring soul. In a team game with the body, it is being slashed every now and then. Books live along with hiding insects and so does my intellect.

The 'competitive' and 'dynamic' attitude is tortured by the presence of a stunningly shallow mindset of my fellow soldiers. It seems as if I have been imprisioned for committing the sin of 'enthusiam'.

My friends, my darlings are all away. My emotions for them sweeps me from my lonliness only to take me to a state of realisation that even after almost a week, I don't have my cellphone. It's a pathetic state of relationships.

And finally, but strangely the most dominating of all ----. The clutches of bygone emotions which slaps me at each sigh of a desire and caress me on every spark of fire. The revelation of a strange attachment to a receding love rottens my imagination and spits on my body its frustrating turnings of unfulfilled identity.

Q's

(Incomplete)

The desire to express
I have a desire to express maybe because
a) I wish to prove (show) my existence (presence).
b) I doubt myself & need assurance
c) I crave for perfection, hence, need myriad opinions.
d) I wish to share my exploration so that others may be benefited.
e) I derive the pleasure of being the creator

The need for other soul
The need for exclusivity
The issues with loneliness
Boredom? Fun? Adventure? Activity?

Is it possible to live yet die
Is it possible to smile yet cry

BG talks about a state of being. A perceivable but seemingly incomprehensible state. It shall take time, it shall take blessings. The deepest & the priceless exploration without any exclusivity & effort.

Dream - a divine interrupt or a hallucination

Last night I had a strange dream. I am lying on a bed. Suddenly something happens which suggests me as if God is appearing. My body had enormous vibrations (just as if billions of currents pass through your body... coldness....) . Even though I knew it was God.. I got scared .. and I shouted and ran .. in search of my mother.... I could feel the ecstatic vibrations in me for a long time. When I woke up I realized that the vibrations were extremely real. As I usually have such similar vibrations (of lower intensity) for quite some time now, I could see that it was something inexplicable ( the real feeling even when I was dreaming).
I wonder what it is.

When love causes fear

I can feel a strange pain; a fear that she has chosen the tough path to evolve. The fear has it's origin from a sense of belonging; who & whom? I have no answer.


Love calls for words

In the world of I, the decision is yours
As the life is yours & yours are its seeds
Of pain & pleasure, of thorns & treasures
As they lie in the womb of unknown seconds

I see the blood, I feel the pain
As you run from now and call for the breath
Midst mist of cough and you thought some death
Alas! Thus, tired of the screams you set to shout

Darker is the life it seems to me
Don't live in it rather embrace the death

Strange it is, the bonds of love
Binding one end with the others' right to fly free
The judgment suspends you, my questions censure me
To feel it again, to think of you again

What can I do so doing may not be yours
May be it's your embrace that's the victory of bond
But you seem to fail, as we all do in many
As we keep them waiting, and leave them burning.

Where do I fit?

How will I earn money? How much should I earn? What is the way I should take my life like?

God: We believe in some Super Being. We accept certain regulations. When we suffer we may tend to ask Him why even when we were doing all these things. We cannot demand. We can request. We can appeal. The service done out of love must not be seen as an investment. We can question and you can be true but you have to accept that the controller is He and not us.

Neha: She suffers. A few more revelations. Her life's getting complicated with WRC and Tim piercing her in sync. My wishes with her and may Lord gives her wisdom & strength.

Mercy....mercy

Time: 10:55 PM , Jan 25th '08, Mumbai

I am talking to Neha. She payed the full amount. The amount - 6000$. Her job is now at stake. I want to cry but tears are waiting for something I don't know. I want to pray but what should I pray for? You be with her? Help her? Show her the direction ? Give her the peace? To what extent can anybody interfere with her life even if it is You? What about the free will & what about the conscious choices? She is a victim of misfortune, it is true. What face of suffering is this.. be merciful.


P.S. Forgive me for darkening the whiteness of the intentions. You know & I know what I want and what I don't know. I can't compete you know. I don't want to compete you know. Give us the way and bless us with Your way.

I am not gloomy. Just bored :)

In the strange turn of life with painful events in sight, time tickles me with tears and smiles. The self inflicted were fine, but those earned through association is the coin. The image of being a thorn is shuddering The confusions are the biggest hindrance and the mind the toughest barrier. Relationships wound threads of uneven strengths on my heart and soul, each provoking and questioning my mere existence. The lonliness of my words screams in me to find the seed or the flower. The conviction they talk about, the faith they sing about makes me move from heaven to hell. The whole structure calls for perfection but lacks the wheels to move on the road; my dreams pushes me to fly. Not alone I am, I have realized now. The knowledge is yet to be applied & the reality is yet to be realised. The society is the key, the living is the way. Parents & peers asks for me, the others don't call still bounds me.

The only hope is faith. The faith of a child, the pray in this wild.

6000$ .... Rs. 2.5 lakh ..bravo!!!

what is this Lord? Am I so fallen ? Kindly change the medium. Give me not others. Be merciful. Have mercy. I feel weak.

One more failure - CONGOS

An informal letter

Sir

The results were out and it was very disappointing to not to find my name in the list. Hence, I tried to get 'feedback' from Snehanshu. This letter is a product of that feedback clubbed with my reaction. Moreover,I would be glad if you help me see a better picture.

Feedback:
I seemed to be insincere with my desire to join the firm or as a matter of fact contribute in it's growth.

There may be certain aspects which you might have considered like:

1) Not suitable for job - over-passionte, unprofessional
2) Not absorbable in your talent pool
3) Not a strong character or unethical

and a number of certain other possible reasons. I would like if I were told in a little more detail.


My reaction:
Here I would like to present my state of mind.

After PPT:
Once the PPT was done, I saw my career aims getting structured as if everything's falling into a fit and thus I started dreaming and planning.

After my first interview:
I was satisfied and I was sure that I would be called for the second round. The interview ended around 9 PM. From around 10 PM to 1 AM I was discussing with my friends what is INI and how I can play a role in it. These discussions actually brought so much enthusiasm and promising dreams that I just couldn't detach myself from thinking about the work. I even went to the site of Desai fruits to see how and what work is done.

The second interview:
It was pretty late and when I entered the room, I wanted to bring smile on faces and thus I tried to be humurous as compared to the first interview. My brain was full of thoughts about INI & me. I felt very comfortable and thus I let my feelings out. There was no question of ingenuity and I was trying hard to find suitable words to express my enthusiasm for this dream.

Everyone holds that interview is about selling oneself. I tried to do that in my first interview, but I took the second interview in a different manner.I tried to keep as much transparency as possible so that you may know who I am before I be given any responsibility. At that point of time, I just wanted to express that how the very idea of joining the firm had shaped my future plans and how much I am willing to be a part of the team. But I guess I failed.

I would just like to conclude that even though I have not been chosen for the task, I feel that your company has filled me so much that I still want to say I would love to work with you.

Yours sincerely

Vikram S. Shekhwat
4th yr BTech, IIT Bombay

CAT 2007 -> 82% -> failure? or success?

Peers

No matter how strong logically you are... no matter how convincing you can be if you talk... no matter how strong your convictions are.... the 'peers' definitely play a crucial role in self-image. Furthermore, personally, the fear generated from the unacceptability of your actions or thoughts.
And the buzz word is SUCCESS. A smile is not a success but a person getting jealous of you or gets into the mode of worshiping you is a success.

Relationships : Source of maintaining public pressure.

Questions of existence : The answers have to be lived and this is the topmost thing to achieve.

Love of God: An achievement borne out of idea of incompetence or a longing for the state. Moreover, who decides the difference is PEERS .. no ?... yes?.....

Namaskar! .... Krsna!

Let it begin, the printing of thoughts
Cruising along the web of confusions
Dying now and living again
To breathe & live again the fresh air.

Gotta lecture now so will leave now. Let's see when I really put my ideas into 'database' :).